No Wonder I Don’t Have a Girlfriend, #4

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Top five pickup lines you have never used.

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Though my man-whore days are now beyond me, I can be caught using an outrageous pickup line every now and then. But back in my days of promiscuity, and this is the honest truth, they mostly worked. Now that can be attributed to a number of things, but most arguably it is my intense appreciation for irony and sarcasm. I didn’t use pickup lines under the pretense that they will actually result in anything but disdain towards me, I use them to start a conversation. By “conversation” I mean an intense berating or a witty response right back.

Two things usually happened after I dropped a bomb: the girl either found it funny that I had the balls to use such a line, or she immediately wanted to go in for a nut-shot—this usually leads into me bollocking my way out of the girl’s bad books and coming off as a down-to-earth, proverbial “funny guy.” All this said, however, chaos theory would suggest that there is no way a pickup line could work on every girl—and they don’t. But for the sake of the article, here are my “Top five pickup lines you have never used.”

Disclaimer: These are all my own lines that I have used throughout my life as pretentious asshole.

1)   Approach two girls with a stark difference in attractiveness. Go up to the blatantly more attractive of the two and say, softly, “Your friend is a bit out of my league, but you I could settle for.”

2)   “I’ve got Chlamydia, but you don’t look like you’d mind.”

3)   “If I was you I would be a massive slut.”

4)   “My friends and I have a bet. They say you don’t take it up the ass, and I say you do.”

And finally, the line that won me my first girlfriend:

5)   “Fancy going halvsies on a bastard?”

Use these lines wisely, my friend, for great danger be upon those that can’t bullshit their way out of getting kicked in the nuts.

As usual, here are some reasons why I don’t have a girlfriend:

-       I’ve discovered recently that the second a female enters my life, my personal hygiene skyrockets from “questionable” to “anal retentive.” I brush my teeth twice a day, I shower twice a day, I clean my room, I make my bed, I do all the things a normal person is supposed to do on an every-day basis. Two things then happen: I either get with the girl and date her for while, at which point (around 2 weeks in) I revert back to my normal state as a modern day Cro-Magnon and she dumps me, disgusted. Or, my efforts to clean up my act go unnoticed (because what girl doesn’t expect basic personal hygiene), she loses interest and as retribution to the time I spent looking good, I compensate for with a streak of intense non-showering and cleaning and my room begins to look like inside of Oscar the Grouch’s trashcan. All this leads to one conclusion: 95% of the time I am a smelly, dirty bastard.

-       Everyone over here seems to think that rugby is a tougher sport than American football. Rugby is better in many aspects than American football, but tougher it is not. I’ve watched it a couple times, and what tough man watching rugby can actually take an Australian commentator yelling “WOT A TICKLE!” every 30 seconds without giggling? Not me, sir, not me.

-       Showering with a woman will never result in actual cleanliness, at least for the guy. I can guarantee that every woman who has ever showered with a man has come out with sparkling clean boobs. EVERY. TIME.

-       Never lie about the size of your penis. Picking up a girl under the pretense that you are hung like a moose will only lead to her being even more surprised when, and if, she pulls down your pants and sees that you have been grossly exaggerating the extent of your lovemaking abilities.

-       Finally, never use a pickup line in front of a group of girls. I was with a bunch of friends at a bar/club early in the night for some hot wings and a few lagers. It was basically just us in the place until a gaggle of giggling girls showed up at the bar and started ordering shots. As mentioned before, my friends and I like to play a pickup line game in which the object is to get slapped and win a round from your friends. Being the brave boy I was I openly volunteered and sauntered my way up to the girls, picking out one particularly good-looking blond out of the group.

“Five bucks says you won’t sleep with me,” I said with a smug, wry grin.

“Well I don’t have five bucks to blow, so let me take a look at you.” She told me to spread my arms and show myself off. I was chuffed to bits, she was playing right along… or so I though. I gave a twirl for her and she pantomimes a huddle with her girlfriends, at which point she turns around, smiles, and deftly swoops her hands into the waistband of my shorts and boxers and whips them to the ground to reveal me in all my flaccid glory.

No wonder I don’t have a girlfriend.